The Thousand Yard Stare

I used to hear women say, “I wish I could find a man that cooked!”. Being a Gen-Xer (remember those?) I never fully mastered full on cooking but I’m pretty handy at baking. Over time, I’ve found that if you really want to impress some ladies, get your baking mitts on. I’m sure there’s  a whole psychology to it all, but ultimately  who doesn’t like tasty boozy desserts?

With that said, I felt it was time to divulge my most requested tip-top secret calorie-free* Double Rum Cake. A few things first. This is a no-nut recipe. Even though I’m a fan of the nuts, nobody in my household is. Secondly, I don’t prep my pan until right before I’m about to throw it in the oven. That seems to be backwards, but I like to go my own way.

Prep time: Approx 30 minutes

Bake Time: 1 hr

Glaze time: Approx 30 minutes

1 .5 oz rum (prefer Doorly’s)

1 large cube of ice

1 Rocks glass

(1) Bundt Pan. The flutey kind.

(1) Package Yellow Cake Mix (16.5oz). Whichever package looks best. I prefer the one that doesn’t have pudding mix in it already, this is a massively-bad-for-you cake.*

(1) Package Instant Vanilla Pudding Mix (3.4oz).

(4)  eggs

1/2 cup filtered water

1/2 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup light rum  or dark rum – this is where it will be up to your particular preference. I like dark rums myself, but if you’re new to the whole rum game, start with a rum that you like and experiment using other rums. There’s more rum in the glaze, so on your first effort, match the rum in the cake and the glaze and as you get more comfortable, mix and match. When you get next level, start trying different sugars and different rums. It’s fun, I promise!

1/4 cup granulated sugar for dusting the Bundt Pan

1/2 cup unsalted butter = 1 stick

1/4 cup filtered water

1 cup white sugar (granulated)

1/2 cup light or dark rum

Fried Turkey Marinade Injector

Silicone Brush

Also Required

Non-Stick-Cooking-Spray

An Oven

A Pair of Hands (or only one, triple prep time)

A towel

Hand Mixer (unless you’re a sadist, and prefer a spoon)

A thin spatula

1. Imbibe – with the pre-cake mix.
2. Preheat the oven to a crisp 325 degrees F (which if my math doesn’t fail me is 165 degrees Celsius). If you’ve got a convection oven, fire that puppy up.  

3. In a large bowl, surgically open the cake mix and pudding mix. Sift them through a sifter together to mix well, alternately, mix them up with a fork – commingle their assets. Sifting takes longer, but impresses anyone who happens to be watching, and the consistency ends up being like cake flour.

4. In a small bowl, mix the eggs (like you were making scrambled eggs). Add the 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup oil and 1/2 cup rum to the egg mixture and whisk well.

5. Add the egg/oil/mixture to the dry mixed powder and then use that Hand Mixer (quaint) or wooden spoon (torturous) until it’s smooth. Use the spatula to make sure all the batter gets mixed, push it back down in the the main mix.

6. Liberally spray the bundt pan with the non-stick-cooking-spray, especially around the center shaft. Shake the indeterminable (granulated) sugar amount around the bundt pan. It will stick to the spray. Science! Pour the batter into the magical bundt pan.

7. Bake for 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean. While you’re waiting, read ahead.

8. About 20 minutes before the cake is ready, make the glaze. In a saucepan, combine 1 stick (1/2 cup) butter, 1/4 cup water and 1 cup sugar. Bring to a boil over medium heat and continue to boil for 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in 1/2 cup rum. Load this glorious mixture into your Fried Turkey Marinade Injector. You won’t fit it all in the injector , that’s where the silicone brush comes in and you can reload as needed.

9. About 2 minutes before removing the cake from the oven, put the towel in the sink (seriously!). Wet the towel with hot water. After removing the cake from the oven, put it on the towel. You’re going to leave it for 10 minutes, but while it’s innocently sitting there, you’re going to start basting and injecting it with the special rum glaze. Use the silicone brush first, to slather rum sauce over the bottom of the cake, then take your time and lovingly inject the sauce. I typically use about half the sauce covering the bottom of the cake and injecting, then the other half once the cake is out of the pan.

(My white hand threw off the color balance, so the cake looks sickly now. It’s still the same cake)

10. After the 10 is up, turn your cake out onto a plate. Use the spatula again to ensure that your cake doesn’t stick to the sides or shaft of the bundt pan. Once it’s on the plate, keep using the silicone brush to brush some glaze on the top and ouside of the cake. Continue to inject the cake with the deadly rum venom until all the glaze is used up. Glaze to taste really. If you see pools of glaze on the plate, you’re going too fast. You can’t consume the rum that isn’t in the cake – take your time.

11. After you have used all the glaze, stop, admire your work, and let the cake rest. Seriously. You’ve been stabbing it and brushing it for about 30 minutes now.

11. Eat it.

That’s it!

I’ve heard that keeping the cake covered in the refrigerator overnight improves the rum flavor, but I’ve yet to have any make it that long.

* Not Really