A long, long, long, long time ago (2006 or 2007) I wrote a script for a contest for Poker Pro Phil Gordon. It was called, “Celebrity Poker Showdown Fantasy Final Table Contest”. I don’t recall exactly what he was asking for, but from the title, I deduced that I needed to go all out. I was on vacation at the time so I actually replayed one of my DVR recordings of Celebrity Poker Showdown and mimicked each segment. (Of course, I had to be original, so I added table action from all the table games I was playing on Full Tilt Poker.) He liked it – and I won the contest. Here’s my long ass entry:
[Opening sequence for Celebrity Poker Showdown]
[Voiceover]: From The Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas – Five Celebrities battle it out at the poker table. At stake – the Rotating Advertiser Quarter Million Dollar Prize Pool.
Playing tonight: From the show “Stacked” – Pamela Anderson…….
Winner of Seven Tour De France races – Lance Armstrong……..
From “Lost” – Michelle Rodriguez……..
Comedian – Steven Wright…….
and Acress/Singer – Jessica Simpson
Plus World Class Poker Player and Expert – Phil Gordon and your host – Dave Foley
[End intro sequence]
Voiceover: “And now your host – Dave Foley!”
Dave Foley: Thank you all for being here tonight – we’ve locked the doors and you won’t be able to get out – alive anyway. Once you’ve gone to sleep, we’ll add a laugh track and random people yelling “all-in”. Until that point, you’re responsible for entertaining yourselves. Remember that even though you’re in Vegas, indecent exposure is still illegal. So help me bring out the current Celebrities who will be fighting over the silver chip for their entry to the final table of the Rotating Advertiser Quarter Million Dollar Prize Pool. Playing for PETA – People for the ethical treatment of animals – Pamela Anderson!
[insert crowd clapping, whistling track]
Playing for the Lance Armstrong foundation – Lance Armstong!
[insert crowd clapping]
Playing for M.A.D.D – Michelle Rodriguez!
[insert confused clapping]
Playing for PETA – People for the ethical treatment of Actors – Steven Wright!
[insert confused clapping] Playing for Tuna Chicken Conservatory – Jessica Simpson!
[wild and raucous cheering and clapping]
[Players enter and sit down]
Dave Foley: I’m not going to talk much here, you know why you’re here – uninterrupted camera time and a chance for your charity to make a bundle no matter how many dumb poker moves you make. For those of you who don’t remember anything that Phil told you in the last three hours, here’s the rules:
[Run Texas Hold ‘Em Rules video]
[Dissolve to Dave Foley and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]
Dave Foley: Welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown. I’m your host, Dave Foley – and I’ve never, ever, ever, played cards. The “homie that’s got my back” is poker professional, Phil Gordon who is soon to be replaced with the effervescent Mike “The Mouth” Matusow. We’ve got a heck of a show today, coming to you from The Palms in Las Vegas – “Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear”. Did I also mention that I don’t play cards?
Phil Gordon: You sure did – thanks Dave.
Dave Foley: All the lovely celebrities have a chance – however slim – to make some mob cash for their lovely charities. Those who don’t are destined to head here to the “Loser’s Lounge”. It might sound sad, but the Loser’s Lounge is actually a pretty peppy place.
[Shot of Loser’s Lounge including many puffy pillows, a glass table with three bowls that include fake dog poop, a large couch, 70’s décor and a hot brunette with large breasts in short, short, shoorrrrts. In fact, ignore the Loser’s Lounge except for her.]
Phil Gordon: That’s right, we’ve hired the best strippers to pretend to be waitresses, and during every commercial break, we get a lapdance. This is possibly the most exciting table of celebrities we’ve ever seen. I personally spent hours and hours examining their……tells…..and I can’t say that I even noticed them playing cards.
Dave Foley: Well, let’s get right to it then and let our Tournament Director Robert Thompson utter the words he whispers into his mistresses’ ear in the dead of night –
[Dave and Phil in unison]: Shuffle up and Deal!
Robert Thompson: 1 and 200 dollar blinds, Shuffle up and Deal! [Cards being shuffled and dealt]
[Phil Voiceover] Well Dave, it’s that time of night, even though this voiceover is done in post-production and we already know who won, we’re supposed to pretend we don’t and pick who we really want to have sex with. Errr. Or win.
[Dave Voiceover] That’s right Phil, since there are only two men at the table, I have to pick one. If I was to choose, I’ll have to go with Lance. Did I lisp when I said that? You know I’m married and don’t play cards right?
[Phil Voiceover] You’ve mentioned that before Dave. You know, it’s a tough choice, but I can’t decide. I think Pam should come over the top of Jessica, but I think Jessica might get behind Pam and give it to her.
[Dave Voiceover] That’s pretty exciting, but you still have to pick one. One’s got beauty and the other’s got brains, I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one.
[Phil Voiceover] Well, since every pick that I choose goes out first, I’m going to choose Pamela Anderson – when she comes back to the Loser’s Lounge I get to PETA her dirty pillows. When I asked Jessica to Roshambo, she said she’d never seen “First Blood”.
[Michelle orders three shots of tequila and drinks them]
Michelle Rodriguez is on the button and is dealt [2d,5s] Steven Wright posts the small blind of 100 and is dealt [3d,3s] Jessica Simpson posts the big blind of 200 and is dealt [9d,Qs] Pamela Anderson is dealt [6h,9h] Lance Armstrong is dealt [3h 9s]
[Phil Voiceover] Wow, Michelle is really knocking that tequila back! With a start like that, she’ll be sittng on my face tonight!
[Dave Voiceover] So I guess we’re off for tonight then? Pamela Anderson calls 200
[Phil Voiceover] I like Pam’s call with the suited connectors or as Phil Helmuth calls them, “Trash”. You’ve got a good chance of a flush, a straight, or a straight flush!
[Dave Voiceover] Did someone say the word “straight”? This is Bravo! Lance Armstrong folds Michelle Rodriguez folds Steven Wright calls 100
[Phil Voiceover] I like Steven’s call with the pair of threes – it’s an easy call, and easy to lay down if you don’t make trips on the flop.
Jessica Simpson checks The flop comes [Tc 8d Jc]
[Phil Voiceover] And it looks like Jessica takes an immediate lead with a straight on the flop! Steven Wright checks Jessica Simpson bets 200
[Phil Voiceover] A nice aggressive bet – although with a straight on the flop, it might have been time to slow play her cards.
[Dave Voiceover] I don’t think that anyone’s ever accused her of being slow? Pamela Anderson folds Steven Wright folds Uncalled bet of 200 returned to Jessica Simpson Jessica Simpson wins the pot (600)
[Phil Voiceover] Jessica Simpson wins the hand, and while I might have slowplayed the hand a little, there’s nothing wrong with aggressive poker – or Daisy Duke shorts.
[Dissolve to Jessica Simpson Bio with multiple shots of playing with chips and cards and stuffing poker chips in her bra]
Jessica Simpson: I’m playing for the Tuna Chicken Conservatory – there are too many tuna chickens that give their life for a can of tuna chicken. It says it right there on the can, “Chicken of the Sea”. I’ve never been to the sea, but I’ve been to the ocean, and I hear they’re a lot alike. I’ve only played strip poker before and that was when Phil was giving me a “private lesson” before the show. (Grins) I lost it all, but Phil said I did a great job!
[Fade back to poker table]
Michelle Rodriguez is dealt [7d,2d] Steven Wright is on the button and is dealt [Kd,Kh] Jessica Simpson posts the small blind of 100 and is dealt [6d,9h] Pamela Anderson posts the big blind of 200 and is dealt [6s,9c] Lance Armstrong is dealt [7c Ks] [Phil Voiceover] Wow, it’s amazing that both Pam and Jessica were dealt 6,9! What a coincidence – or is it fate? Steven’s got a really hot hand, and Michelle has what is known as the worst hand in poker. I told her specifically to fold this hand in practice. Lance Armstrong folds Michelle Rodriguez raises to 9000
[Phil Voiceover] Oh..uh…wow, I think she’s on a stone cold bluff, or possibly her poker coach Jose Cuervo taught her that move.
[Dave Voiceover] Mmmm….Hot Dogs.
Steven Wright calls 9000
[Phil Voiceover] I like that call. Only a few players play better drunk – and I don’t think Michelle is one of them. Jessica Simpson folds Pamela Anderson folds The flop comes [Js 3s 6d] Michelle Rodriguez checks Steven Wright bets 500 Michelle Rodriguez folds
[Phil Voiceover] I can’t believe it! When you make such a huge pre-flop bet, not matter what happens on the flop, you need to make a “continuation” bet to represent that you’ve got the hand. Being as pot committed as that, you have to call. No matter what! Uncalled bet of 500 returned to Steven Wright Steven Wright mucks Steven Wright wins the pot (18300)
Steven Wright: I’m the comedian, so I’m supposed to make a joke, but I’m not that funny.
[Insert Studio Laughter]
[Dave Voiceover] Alright, when we come back, someone’s got alcohol poisoning and has to go to the hospital!
[Commercials – including one mandatory Pokerstars Commercial with either Chris Moneymaker or Greg Raymer, and one PartyPoker.com Commercial with the most irritating whistling ever]
[Fade into Phil and Dave at the desk]
Dave Foley: Well, this tournament sucks so far, and I’ve only had three shots of Yeager. What the chip count, my beotch?
Phil Gordon: Well, after an amazing bluff attempt by Michelle, the Chip Leader is Steven Wright with 18,600, Jessica Simpson has 10,400, Lance Armstrong has his original 10,000 Pamela Anderson has 12000 in chips, and poor drunken Michelle Rodriguez has 1000 chips left.
[Camera cut back to Dave Foley] Dave Foley: We’re pretty darn sure that those five people out there know what constitutes a good poker hand. Maybe. We didn’t get enough footage of actual hands, so we need to fill some time with the obligitory poker hand rankings. Roll our minature Speilberg epic of “What Beats What” – and leave out Marv Albert this time.
[Hand Ranking Video Runs]
[Dave Voiceover] Let’s get back to the action Phil – and let’s watch them play their cards too. Robert Thompson: 1 and 200 dollar blinds, Shuffle up and Deal!
[Michelle Rodriguez is slumpled over the table] Michelle Rodriguez is dealt [7d,2d] Steven Wright is on the button and is dealt [3h,7d] Jessica Simpson is on the button and is dealt [6d,9h] Pamela Anderson posts the small blind of 100 and is dealt [8d,8s] Lance Armstrong posts the big blind of 200 is dealt [Ac 10s]
[Phil Voiceover] In an amazing twist, Michelle Rodriguez picks up the same hand she lost with last time, Jessica picks up the same 6,9, Pam picks up pocket boobs – I mean, pocket 8’s and Lance picks up an Ace / Ten offsuit! Michelle Rodriguez raises 1000 and is all in. Steven Wright folds Jessica Simpson folds Pamela Anderson calls 1000 Lance Armstrong raises all in 10,000 Pam calls All in The flop comes [As 10s 3d] The turn comes [6h]
[Phil Voiceover] It’s looking really good for Lance here, top two pair to the river against the boobs of Pam Anderson. The river comes [8d] [Crowd goes wild]
[Phil Voiceover] (screaming) – What a suckout! Lance had it up until the river, and the lost it! Pam knocks out both Michelle and Lance!
[Cameras focus on paramedics carrying drunken Michelle off of set on a stretcher, Lance makes his way to the loser’s lounge]
Dave Foley: Lance, Lance, Lance. You were my pick, which must be why you went out first.
Lance Armstrong: I thought I had the nuts. But I guess I only had one nut. (Shakes head)
Dave Foley: Well, at least your foundation gets something, no matter how badly you played. Alright, coming up, some more exciting poker for you, and body shots for me out of Lance’s navel!
[Commercials – including one mandatory Pokerstars Commercial with either Chris Moneymaker or Greg Raymer, and one PartyPoker.com Commercial with the most irritating whistling ever]
[Fade into Phil and Dave] Dave Foley (Obviously drunk): Whaassss th……..schip….cown…..t.?
Phil Gordon: Over the break, both Jessica and Pam knocked out the chip leader Steven Wright who’s now hanging out with Lance in the loser’s lounge. Pam is currently the chip leader with 30300 chips and Jessica trails with 19700 chips. It’s heads up girl-on-girl action with these two women at the table.
[Camera shot of Lance Armstrong and Steven Wright making out on the Loser’s lounge couch] [Camera of Poker table]
[Phil Voiceover] It’s do or die time – I can only say I’m unhappy about this final matchup because neither of them spent any time in the loser’s lounge.
[Dave Foley Brings Silver Chip to the Table]
Dave Foley: Well, it’s down to the final two – girl on girl. I’ve been drinking enough that I think you could settle this in a mud fight, but since this is national TV, that will have to wait until the After-Party. I know Phil’s very excited about seeing you two up against each other. One of you has some big stacks to wield against the other. Whoever wins this round gets the silver chip. Whoever gets the silver chip gets to return for the final matchup of the Rotating Advertiser Quarter Million Dollar Prize Pool. I’m headed for the open bar, so “Let’s get it Onnn!”
Robert Thompson: 500 and 1000 dollar blinds, Shuffle up and Deal!
Pamela Anderson posts the small blind of 500 and is dealt [Tc Th] Jessica Simpson posts the big blind of 1000 and is dealt [Ad, 8s]
[Phil Voiceover] This could be it – both players have strong cards – Pamela has the advantage with the pair of tens, but Jessica has an ace, which is always a playable card when heads-up. Pamela Anderson raises to 1500 Jessica Simpson raises to 2000 Pamela Anderson raises to 2500 Jessica Simpson calls 2500 The Flop Comes [Ah 3d Qc] Jessica Simpson bets 2500 Pamela Anderson raises all in Jessica Simpson calls all in
[Phil Voiceover] Jessica is covered by Pamela, so if Pam wins, it’s over! The turn is [9d] The [10d]
[Phil Voiceover] It’s over! Pam Anderson Sucks out on Jessica Simpson, and you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say that on national TV.
[Camera view of Poker Room] [Dave Foley and Phil Gordon make their way to the poker room and Phil has his arms around Pam’s and Jessica’s waist, and Dave Foley has his arms around Steven Wright and Lance Armstrong’s waist]
Dave Foley: Well, that’s all folks, the bar has cut me off, and Pam Anderson has won the silver chip for this round of Celebrity Poker Showdown. Join us next week for the final championship round. With thanks from myself and Phil Gordon – “May All Your Nuts be Big Ones” and we’ll see you again!
Jessica Simpson: Phil, I lost, do I take my clothes off now?
Phil Gordon: Yes. Yes you do.
[Fade out on Jessica taking her clothes off]
ANNND that’s the end of the script.
Immediately after posting, I knew I blew all the other contestants out of the water, and was declared winner. So, Phil never sends my my stuff. I won the contest right? So I never got the stuff! Sometime after that he put out another contest for video poker questions. I couldn’t resist the chance to needle him a little. No big deal, just a little fun. I asked him in the video where my stuff was, and he responded to it and sent me my stuff.
Unfortunately, I have since deleted my youtube vids since I got about 2000 hits. D’OH!
I ended up getting my stuff! Sweet!!