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  • “The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.” ~ Moliere

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    I read something yesterday that kind of surprised me. Charlie Sheen (moment of the wacko) has people walking out of his touring shows because he’s not being strange, or funny enough. People are yelling, "Say something funny!"

    First I thought that maybe ole Chuck shot himself it the foot with that "Funny or Die" video. Did the audience really expect him to be astoundingly funny? Not sure why…..the reason you watch Charlie Sheen is because he’s a train wreck. Plain and simple. Catch-phrasy? Yes. But a train wreck.

    For true stand-up entertainment, I’ll stick with Louis CK, or Ricky Gervais, or Bill Cosby, etc,etc.

    Then I realized that it’s not his fault.

    People think Charlie Sheen is funny because they’ve watched him all these years on his (hit?!?) TV show. As a total aside, I’m not quite sure how it became a "hit". I like Jon Cryer and all, but the show didn’t really strike me as something I ever would watch on a regular basis.
    Anyway, it was the writers that made him funny. "Ahh, that scamp Charlie Sheen. Why, I bet he’s a real ball in person. I’d like to be his neighbor." The illusion of TV (and movies, and internets) is still very powerful. I’m waiting for some actor to do something REALLY atrocious so that acting is again looked on like some sort of disease. Imagine the headline, "TV’s Gus Grissom Serial Killer in Real Life!". Dang. That’s just glamorizing it. Anyway, back to Charlie, I think all the people who were keeping an eye on him either gave up or got fired.

    Does anyone remember when Tom Cruise went nuts? Here’s the secret – he didn’t go nuts. He’s ALWAYS been nuts. He just fired all his handlers and unleashed himself on the world. I think the same thing happened to old Charlie. I haven’t bothered to look, is Charlie a Scientologist?

    My other realization is that we have been so spoiled for comedy (as a human race) that there’s no patience. Take Charlie’s tour for example. People who see him live expect the same snappy, well cut, well edited mess that is all over the internet. Sure, it’s crazy, but a fast paced crazy.

    Bam! Tiger Blood. Bam! Assassin! Bam! Sheenism after Sheenism.

    How could you NOT be let down seeing him in person?

    "Geez, I was around him for ten minutes, and he only said ONE crazy thing!"

    Some of the TV shows that I watch are the same way. It’s a race to the next gag.
    Pretty soon they’ll just have people standing on screen while flashing subliminal jokes across the screen like a stock ticker.


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  • “There is always a secret irritation about a laugh in which we cannot join” Agnes Repplier

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare 2 Comments

    I’m still trying to figure out my irritation when people choose to truncate my name to it’s (natural?) abbreviated state.
    It’s not that it happens tremendously often, but in a business environment you’d think people would be more sensitive to it?

    Maybe not.

    Also it’s possible that with the infiltration of smart phones, people are letting the auto-fill function fill in my name. Which bothers me less than someone actively deciding to shorten my name for me.

    I realize that I can’t exactly post a sign that says, "If you know me already, it’s okay to call me Dave. Otherwise, my name is as spelled on my birth certificate: fja8au8"

    Phonetically, that’s "Fa-ja-eight-aw-eight".

    Try screaming THAT out a car window.


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  • “I love a rainy night” ~ Eddie Money

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    I’m starting to figure out the “flow” of my new job. There’s not much of one. Once we tackled a bunch of items, there’s not much else to do. Hence, my posting to the bloggo.

    However, I am now getting invited to tons of meetings, so I guess that will occupy my time.

    Sunday or Monday night there was some hellacious Texas-sized wind and a little rain. In the middle of the night, I blearily remember looking out the window and watching the trees whip their hair back and forth. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it blow like that. Go figure. We’re beginning to see unbelievable weather that I’ve NEVER seen in my ten years here. Blankets of deep snow, tornado speed winds, cats and dogs living together…….

    The upshot of this is that in the morning, I awoke and went to the kitchen like I normally do. Flipped the kitchen light on and there was a faint buzz that I couldn’t find. Walked outside to see if it was there. It wasn’t (but a friggin’ gigantic branch was on my roof) so I went back in. Still buzzing. Looked up at one of my hanging kitchen lights and it was a slightly different color – so I tapped it….and watched waves of water ripple inside it. The bulbs were completely submerged – I don’t know how it didn’t blow a breaker.

    So, I cut power and drained the fixture (approximately a gallon and a half) and then climbed into the attic to find where the leak was.

    Couldn’t find it. So I went to work.

    Upon returning home, I went on the roof and started cutting the branch down.

    Found that the branch had destroyed one of the shingles (right above my kitchen) and that’s where the water is leaking in from. These be the perils of home ownership.


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  • “You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you’ve got music” ~ Sid Vicious

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    Belatedly, I update now that we went to see Jeff Beck on Monday. Well…….actually….my daughter and I went to see Imelda May and her band, whom Jeff Beck appropriated for his own tour.

    While I’m not a huge fan of Jeff Beck – nor really even a “fan” per se – I have to give him props for bringing Imelda and Darrel to town. It’s not often we get to see a touring artist (from Ireland) in the heart of Texas.

    I managed to snag some really great seats, eighth row center. There was a weird break in rows one through seven where they met in the center and it gave us a perfect view of Imelda at the mic. Let’s talk about the audience. They were old. Seriously. I felt like a grey haired young kid in the room. Caught a few conversational tidbits:

    “Wish I’d seen Lynrd Skynrd before that plane crash….”

    “Ampeg makes amps? I wonder if they still make amps….”

    “You see those two amps, on back? Those are Marshall Stacks!”

    “I don’t need to go, I’m wearing adult diapers” (just kidding)

    The crowd there definitely seemed to expect a “Jeff Beck” show. The crowd also seemed to be a lot older than any of the shows I’ve ever been to. My daughter and I probably dropped the median age by about twenty years. Anyway, I think that what they got was wayyyy further away than what they were expecting. The band really killed it. It really was a treat to see Darrel and Imelda & band kick it out so strongly – especially for such a non-responsive audience. They didn’t get on their feet until the second encore. I imagine it’s really hard to get pumped up when you’re playing to a stone wall of people. But they did. Everything was stellar.

    It must be really hard to be the “sideman” and watch the lead guitarist really mangle some chords. As a guitarist, I like catching those little “oh” moments when a pro guitarist misses a note and then makes that “ah-ha” face. I can relate…I miss a lot of notes myself. Beck managed to miss quite a few notes. And then a few more. I think he totally missed the outro to “Cruisin'” and let Darrel pretty much finish it off. The crowd at this show seemed to be less musical than most, and were even less aware of such things.

    I think I tried my best to give JB a fair shot. However, I knew he’d blown that chance when Darrel stepped up during his solo spot (“Rockin’ is my Business”?) and totally knocked it out of the park. Solid, solid solo.

    Lest I forget, Imelda in person is amazing. Seriously. I found myself cursing the sound guy, as he kept raising JB’s guitar over her vocals. Yes, yes, I undersand it wasn’t the Imelda May show. It was for myself and my daughter though. Too many vocal highlights to mention – honestly. Her snarl and growl matched evenly with her soaring croon. Absolutely killer.

    As we were leaving, my daughter says, “Hey, that guitarist guy?”

    “Jeff Beck?”

    “Yeah, he’s pretty good.”


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  • “I’m not a good butcher but I’ve had to learn to carve the joint. People expect a new look.” Margaret Thatcher

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    I’m going to write a song called, “Please do the needful.” I’m not exactly sure what it actually means. When I first read it, I thought, “By any means necessary.”

    I’ve come to the conclusion that it probably just means “please do what is needed”.  Truncated English is going to become a specialty I suppose.

    So, now I’m back in the rat race, running in my rat-wheel-cubicle. It’s a nice change of pace from working at a small tiny upstart (blood, sweat, tears, blood and more blood). I’m a small cog in a big machine rather than a small jellybean stuck between the tiny gears in the tiny machine. I digress.

    At the moment I wrote this, I was surrounded by three cubicle walls. Lest you pity me, it’s air conditioned, I have internet access, and my boss is located somewhere in another wing of the building. Speaking as a subcontractor for a subcontractor of a subcontracting subcontractor, life is pretty good.  I’m left to my own devices since I’m still in training, and everyone is busy. My last job required that I become knowledgeable about every single aspect of the job whereas this one takes a relatively narrow slice of that knowledge. I’m still learning to not be tense. Of course, this is the first job (that I can remember) that I was hired for specific knowledge. It’s not like all my other jobs where I walked in and had to be trained every step of the way. Yes, I’m being trained, but it’s the fine details I have to pick up, not the broad strokes. It’s a nice change.

    Other than the weekly grind, we did manage to visit Central Market for a “Eat the Heat” celebration.  Every spicy thing imaginable was available for tasting. Of note, the freshly made habanero guacamole is to die for. Well, not literally, but it’s good stuff. They even had wine samples! It was sample city. I still dropped a load of cash though. Unfortunately, samples make you want to buy stuff. Mission accomplished.

    I got to try on my leopard print jacket that my tailor has been making – it’s almost done. I hope to reveal it at a Burlesque show soon. Speaking of which, since I’m employed, I got rid of all those other sites I was working on. So, just dfw is left.

    House projects have slowed a bit now. I’m working on patching up one giant hole in the main bathroom and then we can get going in there.

    Lastly, I found some Blood Orange Bitters at the liquor store the other day. Man, oh man. It “made” my Manhattan.

     

     


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  • “The atoms become like a moth, seeking out the region of higher laser intensity.” Steven Chu

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    On Sunday, I went and played laser tag with my daughter.

    While I did feel relatively old after pulling a calf muscle halfway through, it was a lot of fun.  The vests have blinking LED’s that go dark when you’re hit, and the guns actually shoot laser beams, so you could see where you were shooting. As an added (safety?) measure, there was a sensor on the grip of the gun that wouldn’t allow it to fire unless it felt your hand on there.  I spent most of my time roaming from corner to corner, up the stairs, down the stairs, corner to corner. Since my daughter was on a different team than me, I’d run into her every once in a while and we’d shoot, laugh, and then run away from each other.

    There were some other parents in there, and for the most part they roamed pretty well, and we too would laugh whenever we encountered each other.

    There were two exceptions however. Two of the dads decided to “camp“.  Personally, I hate campers, because there’s no flow to the game. They’re just sitting there picking off people. Boooorrinng.  So, in my wandering, I made a point to sneak up on the campers and pop them from a position where they didn’t realize it. I got each of them to exclaim “Damn!” when they figured out I was just sitting there shooting them over and over and they couldn’t see me. Once I got them enough, I would take off and roam some more.

    A lot of fun.

    I was telling my daughter that back in the day the setups on this were much more bulky and you had to wear an entire helmet.  I found this article: Laser Tag born in Houston and Dallas .

    Most of my memories recalled the Photon on Chimney Rock – even though I only played there a few times. I had entirely forgotten the Star Laser Force place, or “Star” as we called it. Star didn’t last too long from what I recall, and later became a Gymnastics Training Facility. It also coincidentally was right down the street from where my friend Jeremy and I years later had an accident in his Honda CRX – some dude in a giant buick took a turn in front of us and we slammed into it.  My memory of Photon was that it was built inside an old Safeway, had two levels, and pounding music. The helmets were so bulky (and blurry) that with my glasses on it was a lost cause. I hated it because I couldn’t see where I was going, much less shoot anyone.
    The other thing I remember from the heights of the second level (watching the action) was that it was nowhere near as fun watching as it was playing.

    The interesting thing about the article is that it pegs Star Laser and Photon (both in Texas) as the earliest forms of Laser Tag as we know it.  I know the concept was weird when I first played at Star, and I think I remember walking into the strip center style small office with grey berber carpet, then being let out into the warehouse to play.

    I remember it being pricey, and that sure hasn’t changed. The blood-pumping adrenaline rush you get from hunting people lasts just a short time.

    Good thing my daughter only wanted to play it once.


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  • “Up to now, the worst fears have not been realized. He has found another style.” Hans Kung

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    I spent a little time yesterday figuring out the theme song to “I Dream of Jeannie” on my guitar –

    From there, I moved on to “The Munsters” –

    All in all, it wasn’t a long exercise – it took me about 10 minutes each song to figure and match the horn and guitar parts. Of course, the horn parts were actually a lot more fun to play.

    It was nice to be laying hands on a guitar. I haven’t done that in a while.

    Playing TV theme songs took me back quite a ways – I used to have a small collection of TV Theme tapes. As a child, I wasn’t interested in “guitar” music per se – as the 80’s lollygagged around with synthesizers and electronic drums, the guitar was relegated to 70’s fuzz rock. Speaking of which, back in the 90’s,  my mother told me that she was “scared” of the Stray Cats. Seriously? Scared? The upshot of this is that I was not exposed to very many guitar based kinds of music in my youth. As I have previously blogged, my first record albums (you know, the large black plastic disks) were Meet The Beatles and Beach Boys.

    As I’ve been unemployed a while, and I always said, “If I had more time, I’d be practicing guitar a meeelion hours a day!”.  Of course, that didn’t happen. Neither did working out, but I digress.  So in following flickr and several Facebook accounts, I find myself relatively irritated when I see pictures of teenagers in bands.

    I think to myself, “Why didn’t I ever do that?”.  As I meditated on writing this entry, I think I stumbled onto the reason….well, kind of.

    When I started playing guitar, I lived in New Zealand. As many teen bands have in common, “not much else” was going on in the area. This left them plenty of time to practice their craft.  As such, I spent many hours playing along with the radio there (80’s – true), E-A-D, etc, etc. BUT, shortly after I started those lessons, I moved back to the US.

    As my guitar teacher would say (ask him! I’m still friends with him after 20 years….) I never applied myself. BUT, I still had a great ear.  And I also had a multitude of things to distract me from practicing my guitar. Because of my good ear, in one of my early lessons, I tabbed out a Jimi Hendrix solo (Wind Cries Mary?) by ear, but couldn’t play it.  My guitar teacher was like, “Whaaaa?”.  What a waste of my talent.

    Here’s a picture of a guitar that I somehow convinced my mother to purchase early in my playing career ($599?) – an Ovation Celebrity. With a locking nut, floyd rose, and reverse tuners, I was WAYYYY out of my league in terms of even knowing what to do with it.  I barely touched it.

    So my later teen years I spent countless hours in poolhalls. Not so much that I won any money hustling pool, but it was a good distraction.  I beat myself up for a few years, wondering ‘what if I had spent less time in the poolhalls, and more practicing guitar?’.  Having all this time off recently told me all I needed to know – that I’m too distracted for my own good. Even if I hadn’t been playing pool, I wouldn’t have been hustling on the guitar.

    While I can regret not having ever really put myself out there (beyond a few open mics), I can rest easy that had I the chance as a teen, I still wouldn’t have done it right.  Seclusion (New Zealand) would have been the answer.

    To my relief though, I can still write, I can record, and I can somewhat play.

    And I’ve still got a good ear.


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  • “No person who is enthusiastic about his work has anything to fear from life” Samuel Goldwyn

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    I’m pretty enthused about the number of companies contacting me that are relevant (and fiscally responsible) to my work experience. Being unemployed – while good for resting, is not so good for the checking account.

    It turns out that the mortgage company still wants me to pay? Crazy – I know.

    While I’ve been passed over for jobs that I know I would excel at so far – better job offers have come my way anyway.  My skill set is relatively confined while being broad enough to appeal to many aspects of the industry.

    I can’t tell if that scares them more than helps me.

    This has been a week of getting back into the groove.  New Orleans was such a blast, it’s hard not to bring the spirit of it back.

    While NOLA is known for “getting your drink on”, we really didn’t partake that much while we were there.  That possibly is what tagged us as “locals” because we weren’t staggering around clutching a Hand Grenade nor a Hurricane. Being that Texas is a pretty close neighbor to the Big Easy, we did pick up a King Cake when we got back.

    Since I’m not religulous at all (great movie BTW), the King Cake really doesn’t mean much more to me than “party with your friends and enjoy life”.  Or more specifically, “enjoy as breakfast”.


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  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.” ~ Albert Einstein

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    Three wheelers aren’t just for hillbillies. They’re for city boys who don’t know what the hell they’re doing.

    Evel Knievel

    The first time I drove a vehicle was in elementary school. I was probably 9 or 10? My friend Eric had gotten a three-wheeler, and we were in an alley behind a liquor store near his house.

    Having never ridden one before, I did like the movies, and cranked the throttle with my right hand.

    RRRRRRRRRRrrrrAAAAAAAAAAA

    The front wheel lifts up, and the whole thing leaps forward. Being completely surprised, I let go and fell off onto the ground – right on my ass.

    The three wheeler bounced to a quick stop, and Eric was doubled over laughing. As soon as he could maintain composure, he ran up and immediately asked, “How did you DO that?!? I’ve been trying to do that FOREVER!!”

    So that was the first time I drove a vehicle.

    Powered by Plinky


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  • “No endeavor that is worthwhile is simple in prospect; if it is right, it will be simple in retrospect.” Edward Teller

    Posted on by The Thousand Yard Stare Comment

    One of the things that has gotten on my nerves recently is how poorly people disseminate information to the masses.

    Since I focus primarily on burlesque shows, my experiences as essentially a “link collector” have made me realize how poorly people use the social networks available to them. Also folding into this small section is good utilization of website design and advertisement. While this applies to burlesque events, it could apply to band promotion efforts as well.  This isn’t to say that there are not golden examples of perfect promotion – I’ve seen some recently that I am really impressed by.  While these tips would definitely make my life easier, that isn’t the point of this entry.  I’m hoping this helps people promote any kind of event consistently.

    1) This might seem simple and silly to even mention, but whenever you list an event, list your website/event posting (more on this below), the Venue, Venue Address (including city/state), Date of Event, Time (if known), and Cover Charge (if known).  Every single time. Even if you think every single person that visits knows EXACTLY where to go, list the address anyway. The web is global. You never know when Bob the Insurance salesman might be rolling into town for the weekend looking for something to do. He doesn’t know which venues have been in town for years. You’re not trying to attract people who have been to the venue before, are you? I’m assuming here that you want new people to discover whatever talent it is you have to display. Bonus points if you actually link to the venue website – after all, they’re hosting your event. Shouldn’t you want to scratch their back? Venues like it when customers say, “I came here because I saw they linked to you, and I really like your website.”  Also, some (most) people like to view the venue website to get an idea of how sketchy the area/venue is before they go there. Nothing like rolling into a biker bar in a full suit because you assumed that “Dan Friendly’s Speakeasy” was in fact, a Speakeasy.

    2) If you do not have your own URL, get one. It’s not hard. WordPress hosts free blogs – which is really all you need these days. Even if you only create that blog for the one event, it’s worth having something to point to. It’s easy to customize, and gives your event a “base of operations” rather than hoping that the venue posts your event on their calendar. (Your event is your destiny, and leaving it to the venue to promote is a lost cause in the social media hurricane).  A URL really is a luxury item – it’s nice to have (exclusivity!) but absolutely not necessary. Also, it’s pretty short sighted to expect that a Facebook event post is your only attempt at promotion. Even if you only post the items from Step 1., making a “base” allows people to get the most up to date info in a single place.  As an example, there are media outlets (who are ALWAYS hungry for content) who have linked to MY site when they mention an event. Great for me, good for the event, but really, shouldn’t they be linking to the event owner? I’d love to think that I’m on top of all changes to the event, but I’m not. *

    3) If you go to the trouble of creating a sweet flyer for your event – MAKE SURE THAT PEOPLE CAN SEE AND READ THE FLYER. I’ve spent countless hours of my time scrutinizing the main event image of a happening on Facebook, then tracking down someone involved with the event who actually posted a readable version of the flyer in their personal photos. It seems pretty rare that event creators post the full size flyer anywhere near the event page.  The event “wall” is a great place to post a full size version of the flyer.  Alongside this, make sure that the flyers online are optimized. That means, make sure that the flyer is of reasonable size. Everyone’s monitor displays differently, I get that. But making a flyer that is 1500 pixels wide and 1.5 MB is too freaking big.

    4) Be consistent. Consistency is good for promotion. Make a checklist. When you update one source, update them all. Making twelve different flyers is great, but having twelve different flyers with twelve different sets of information spread across the wide, wide web, makes it extremely confusing for the average person who might be interested. If you’re in a time crunch, just keep with Step 1 and 2, and then the most reliable information will always be available at whatever URL or blog you’ve set up.

    Nobody said promotion was easy. I guess I am though. It is easy.

    * I didn’t mention Twitter, but I’m kind of old school. I don’t have a smart phone, and really could give a crap about it. There are applications and websites that allow you to schedule tweets – which are definitely of use (send out reminders to your followers about your upcoming show 2 weeks out, 1 week out, 2 days out, 1 day out, then day of?). I just don’t have much use for it.


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